User Profile

My name if Victoria Jennifer Elaine Gore. I have two middle names because my grandma wanted my mom to name me after the daughter she has that died, but my mom has always wanted to name a daughter Victoria (Tori for short) after a soap opera star. So to make a long story short, I go by Tori, and have all my life. My first name Victoria means “Victorious”, maybe that’s what makes me such a soar loser. I hate to lose, but then again I don’t really like playing games where you can lose to anyone but the computer much anyways. I can be pretty hot tempered sometimes, maybe it’s the German-Irish mother, maybe not. Other times I can be depressed though, I don’t so much like myself then, you don’t have to either it doesn’t so much matter. But can a person really like a person who doesn’t first like themselves? You are your own worst critic (and enemy).
I’m pretty shy most of the time, I don’t like to talk to new people, or anything involving people basically. Though as I’ve been told (and read), The worst thing a person can do is say no. So I guess my fears aren’t very logically based, but I wouldn’t compare them to fears such as the fear of the color white or anything. I have other fears too, I’m afraid to live, not like oh I need to get out and get a life, live. More like I’m afraid to be rooted to this life, just here without a purpose anymore. Maybe it’s a fear of getting old, but I’m sure its not a physical thing. Maybe its more like, I’m afraid to not die.
I’m never sure of myself. I’m very self conscious, and I don’t like the way I look. Sometimes I do though, those occasional moment when I like myself. I like to be different and look different from other people. I dye my hair, and pierce my nose, and darken my eyes, and dress however the hell I want. I guess in a way this is the only way I’m able to openly express my self without being shy. I also write, I cant say I really express myself with what I write, but I do let my imagination run wild. My main thing are vampires, there’s something attractive and alluring about them. Stephenie Meyer the great author of Twilight, one of my few heroes is the one who got me really interested in writing. Anyways, going back to my writing, I like to write about perfection. Perfection does not exist, it is a made up word by people with an obsession with looks. They needed a word for what they might one day become if they only worked hard enough to be fatless, blemishless, and beautiful. Materialistic people strive for perfection like Buddhists strive for nirvana.
I may not know who I am, but I have time to look, and at least I’m not blinded by a lost dream of perfection. I may have a lot to work through to be who I’d really want to be, but I believe I can do whatever I want, and whoever holds me back is just greedy. I need only myself, but not to an extent that I am without friends, and love. I love deeply.
I just hope when my life comes to and end I wont feel this hopeless, but instead as Victorious as my name insist I am.

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